


Unable to Cope

by Tillymint



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-12 02:18:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11152134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tillymint/pseuds/Tillymint
Summary: Serena has left and Bernie has kept everything going. Seemingly able to cope. However things are changing.





	1. Chapter 1

The door slammed behind her causing everyone on the ward to stand still and look up from what they were doing. 

Today had been anything but easy for Bernie. She had had back to back trauma surgeries and she was short staffed, she was the only consultant on the ward. The locum didn't last long, managed an hour and decided he had somewhere better to be so packed up and left without consideration to those working with him. 

Bernie sat down in the remaining chair in the office. Things had definitely changed since Serena left including their shared office. After all Serena wasn't there anymore and there was only one consultant left so it had been decided there was only need for one desk, so Serena's was removed. 

Bernie had found this tough at first but said nothing. She wasn't the kind of person to put up a fight about a table and chair. She didn't want anyone to see how upset it had made her. Instead she busied herself into her work. 

She would pick up extra shifts at the drop of a hat, she would even stay behind to complete her paperwork anything to stop her going home to an empty house, to an empty house with no partner, no Serena to greet her. 

The door stayed shut. Fletch walked past and noticed Bernie sat in the lone chair, head in her hands. He thought about knocking. He could see she was finding things difficult, everyone could, but nobody had been brave enough to ask. Bernie liked to keep things close to her, especially her emotions when it came to Serena. 

Not that Fletch hadn't tried exactly in the past. He constantly invited Bernie round for tea with him and the kids but she always refused. He thought it was to do with the kids, Serena had been a huge part in all of their lives since their mother died. He thought the reminder might be too much. He offered to take her for a drink but she again politely refused. 

She still had her head in her hands when Fletch decided that she just needed space and walked away from the door. 

Sat in the office oblivious to the fact the Fletch had been stood outside the door there for her Bernie sighed. She'd never felt so alone. Despite everything that she had been through, this was the hardest. She was struggling but couldn't and didn't known how to admit it. 

Without a knock the door flew open. 

"Bernie! What on earth are you doing in her?! AAU is in chaos and you are supposed to be the lead and from what I see right now you are doing a terrible job" Ric said rather aggressively. 

Bernie looked at the man stood in the door way trying to assert some dominance. She stood and shook her head. 

"Don't you dare Eric Griffin. You swan down her when you feel like it. I'm the one down here day in day out trying to keep the ward running without help. There's no other consultant down here, Raf seems to have been drafted upstairs and Ollie prefers cardio and I've got the trauma unit and AAU to run. You want it running like another ward. Take it. You run it. I'm done!" Bernie said storming past Ric leaving him stood there mouth open. 

Their conversation had created a bit of a scene with the nurses nearby. 

"Back to work" Ric snapped clearly a little shaken by Bernie's outburst. 

Bernie had no idea where she was going. She just needed to get out. She didn't care where. She had initially started to make her way to the roof but thought against that. It was the last place she had seen Serena. Right now a reminder of her was the last thing she needed. Instead she headed for the gardens. She knew they would be quiet. 

It didn't take her long to get there and just as she thought there was nobody else around. She sat on the bench furthest away and inhaled deeply. 

She closed her eyes and willed herself to relax. She became aware of someone standing in front of her but Bernie refused to open her eyes, instead focusing on her breathing and trying to relax. 

The figure didn't stay too long, it only stayed a few seconds. Once Bernie was sure she was alone again she opened her eyes. 

She still remained focused on her breathing while staring at the garden when she heard foot steps approaching again. She again didn't look up. Instead, a hand holding a cup of coffee appeared in Bernie's eye line. 

"I thought you could do with this" came a voice. 

Bernie looked up. "Thought you might need a chat?" 

Bernie didn't answer but took the coffee. Her face emotionless as the figure sat next to her, it was the last person Bernie expected to see.


	2. Chapter 2

"Don't look so surprised" the voice said as she sat down.

"I'm sorry, I just didn't expect you to be the one standing in front of me offering me coffee but thank you" Bernie replied with a hint of a smile.

Bernie sat silently side by side with Jac. 

"So, do you want to talk? I heard you had a slight break down on AAU" Jac said actually sounding concerned. 

Bernie laughed out loud. "Break down? Me? Do you really think I would?" Bernie asked Jac.

Most people would have thought about their response, but not Jac.

"Yes" was all she replied.

Bernie was shocked, she hadn't expected that answer. She looked at Jac, mouth slightly open. 

"Bernie, we might have got off on the wrong foot and haven't really interacted much but even I can see when someone is in need and don't argue with me. I whole heartedly know that you created a scene downstairs and I also know that you aren't coping. Its not a sign of weakness to admit it. So come on admit it to me, once you do we can carry on and pretend that we don't like each other" Jac said with a smile, something Bernie thought was alien to her. 

Bernie sighed, she knew Jac was right, in fact everyone knew that Bernie wasn't coping but to vocalise it, was something different. Was she strong enough to without a full on breakdown, she wasn't sure. She knew that there was only one way to find out, she knew she had to talk to someone and right now Jac seemed like the only option.

"I don't even know where to start" Bernie said.

"From wherever you want" came the reply.

"Her daughter died, I should have done more to support her. Ellie didn't support Serena's relationship with me, they argued, she stormed off, the car accident, Jason needing surgery, a surgery I found so difficult to complete, but any other day could do with my eyes closed, then Ellie dying, I feel guilty. I should have been able to do more, before during and after all of the events. Then the issues with Jasmine, I should have looked out more for her, I should have pulled Serena up before. No matter what happened Serena had bullied Jas and I as her boss should have stepped in. I gave Serena the benefit of the doubt because of Ellie and it was wrong. I nearly ruined Jasmines career because I wanted to protect Serena. Then she left. She left me. I know she needed to leave this place but she also left me. I've no idea how long she is going to be gone. They are offering someone else the consultant position on AAU. I'm trying to run everything on my own. Jason is now living with Alan and I hardly ever see him. I had found my home when I found her and now that's gone" Bernie said tears now streaming down her face. 

Jac did something that surprised herself and surprised Bernie too, she moved closer and enveloped her into a hug. Bernie instantly stiffened, unsure of the contact, she had not expect it. 

"Let it out, you're safe to do so" Jac whispered into Bernie's ear. 

As soon as she heard that Bernie almost collapsed into Jac. The feeling of being held and comforted felt alien again to Bernie, it had been so long since she had felt this. She allowed herself to cry and in that moment she didn't care that it was in the arms of Jac Naylor. 

"Bernie, from all accounts, you more that supported Serena through everything. You know the rumour mill, I heard you did everything you could and more. You were there when she needed you most, she knows that you love her. You know that Serena needed to sort her head out. The stuff with Jas was not your fault, Serena was hurting and lashing out, we should have all seen it, me included, I'm her sister and I've been that mean she couldn't come to me and discuss it. From what she's told me, you were supportive and that's why she stayed so long. Serena loves you, a love that I haven't seen anyone else share ever, its so pure Bernie, hold on to that. She will be back, I'm sure, just hold on and keep the faith" Jac replied.

Bernie listened to the words Jac said, she spoke sense. She knew she needed to listen but she was struggling even now. She wanted her love back. She pulled herself away from Jac. 

"I just feel so isolated and lost" Bernie said standing.

"You are strong Bernie, don't forget it. You might be a little lost right now but you will find your way home. You will find your way back to Serena." Jac said, "I'm sorry but I need to get back, I've been paged to surgery, are you ok?" Jac said edging forward.

Bernie nodded. "Jac?" 

"Yes" Jac replied.

"Thank you" Bernie said with a half smile.

"Tell anyone about this and I will deny it, but anytime." Jac said with a nod as she left. 

Bernie sat herself back down to compose herself. She was aware of someone watching her from behind but didn't turn around, she didn't care who was there. She mumbled to herself, "I love you Serena, but you are breaking my heart" she stood up and headed back to the ward knowing she would need to apologise for Ric. 

She was still aware of someone close behind but didn't turn, instead choosing to ignore the person and head inside to find Ric. 

As soon as Bernie was out of view back in the hospital, the person who had been watching Bernie sat down on the same seat she had, the last words she uttered going around in their head. "I love you Serena, but you are breaking my heart" over and over again, tears formed in both eyes, a hand reached up to wipe them away. 

"I love you Bernie and I'm so sorry" Serena whispered into the air.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm open to suggestions about how you want the next chapter to be.


End file.
